Let's talk

We hardly ever talk, alone. You're so easy and free when there are others around. You've drawn me out so many times. Put me at my ease. But, just the two of us? Sure, there've been a few occasions, but they've been few and very, very far between. The last one was just before school started… last year. Not that we haven't had opportunities.

Why is that?

When I'm feeling down, I think maybe I've scared you somehow. Maybe I've shown these feelings too plainly, and you don't welcome them. I try not to, mind you. I know it's not appropriate. If I were doing my job properly, you wouldn't even have an inkling.

But then other times I think… But what about how she interacts with me when we aren't alone? Like I said, you draw me out. You joke with me. Maybe even tease me a little bit. It might almost be considered flirting, except it can't be that, can it? Surely… you wouldn't flirt with me right in front of him would you? No… that's… just you being you, isn't it?

Or is it? I mean, I haven't seen you be like that with other guys, even though they've been around. Maybe I'm just not paying enough attention? Seems unlikely…

But God, I wish I knew for sure. If nothing else, maybe it would help me calibrate my response to you. I mean, I'm not going to not love you. That ship has sailed, my friend. This heart has belonged to you for a while now.

But I could… maybe? temper it, if I needed to. Maybe. I could try, at least. If I knew for a fact that when you give me one of those looks… Or give me one of those corny little playful jabs… That that's just your brand of friendly… I could maybe… maybe turn this thing into the deepest platonic love a human is capable of.

But, if there is more there… If my intuition (which usually tells me the exact opposite…) is correct… What would you want to do about it? I don't know about you, but I'm running out of the energy to fight this thing… I wish. Just wish I could at least talk to you about it, just the two of us. No commitments. No pressure. Nothing more than a clearing of the air, and a mutual respect for each others' wants and needs. That's… all I really want today.